I heard the news of her passing;
i was not sad nor was i relieved
to be able to feel something,
one has to be in a moment,
i was in between two.
I cannot describe the feeling,
wish i could play it again to feel
what i felt in that timeless moment.
I do not have words for that.
Like someone has poured
a bucket of ice on my pounding heart.
I still had the phone in my hand,
i was thinking what was i feeling
and i felt something i never felt before
it was this time-stuck, emotion-less, quiet, nothing
IT WAS NOTHING
with the thought of calling someone
i moved my fingers
but i could not press a number
my hands were shaking
a dilemma had housed in me
a nothing so powerful that
it could stop me.
I sat there for an hour
before i slowly crept into the bed
only to woke up minutes later
to convince myself that it was a dream.
The games we play on ourselves.