Have i come too far?

Have i come too far?

Or is it just the beginning of an era

I’ve started towards an unending dilemma

or is it like a pond; once you step in, you always want to know its depth,

or is it like the rain which gets you wet; drops you feel as they fall, some from sky & some from eyes

or is it like the beginning of a feast after you have been kept hungry for days

or is it the first light you have seen after years of darkness around you

Truth is i don’t know what it is?

I’m just a wanderer,

in the midst of people who is looking for nothing other than himself

No expectations kept, no feelings alive

But a streak of hope that someday i will get what i really want

in this journey to live and feel alive again

or maybe a peaceful death of my way to leave the world of meanings & misinterpretations of kind…


Hope V/s Fear: a thought for my own

I read something few days ago, “We promise according to our hopes, but we perform according to our fears”. The echoes of this statement is roaming inside me, thinking not about the good part (we hardly gets tensed by that) but about the bad i could become in the coming time. It’s not in my nature to compare myself with others as i have always believed everyone’s life starts in a different way and progresses with getting affected by what comes their ways, so comparing with someone by neglecting all these factors is somewhat an incomplete phenomenon. Many of my friends have gone to a successful level by their own hard work (i admire them in my own ways) and many of them have accepted their fate in what they had, before they even started to work for themselves; it’s a failure in itself as it seems to me. Not doing anything and believing that the path has been laid down by the society and our “dear” ones is apt, is a delusion to me and i have rejected it from the last few years. Even though, i have fallen victim to this deal many times, but spending my life in a way chosen by others, so i will live for them, work for them is entirely out of options. I will never do that and nor will i succumb to the practices of our society to come back the “original” path laid.

Many of my friends say to me, “what you are doing is worth appreciating and courageous in itself”. I feel so good that to thank them in just words seems unjust to me. They are the fuel to my activities, my inspirations, my continuous effort to be what i want. Some of them even acknowledges to the fact that they wish they could do what they really want and how much interesting will it be, if such happens. They conforms to the idea of falling victim to the allocated path, i have mentioned in the above passage. I don’t feel that great in taking away the praises i get, but i accept it to myself that its all about going after something that makes you happy and being happy is what everyone wants.

Now coming to the more serious point, i mentioned people keep asking me about how much i have already done and what’s currently going on. I do reply them according to the quote mentioned in the first line. And since i have read this quote, i keep thinking about it before replying to anyone. My earlier friends used to say, “बोलने में कोई tax थोड़े ही लगता है” (it doesn’t cost you in saying), although it does cost you sometimes, but in reference to this case, it doesn’t. I can boast about my aspirations and what i would do in future, my projects, my would-be-expectations, but normally i doesn’t. There’s always an evil voice that speaks to me inside, discouraging me in what i want to do. Fear takes place in heart when i do. It becomes a hindrance in paths to be achieved and we become what we really fear about. I see the situations of many people who tried and didn’t succeeded, it makes me feel down and a sorrow for them. I get affected by the idea that what if i become like them. This thinking process evolves a lot of vulgar-dangerous-thoughts and takes me a little back to the whole system of struggling. Later, i come back to the point that what if they did what i’m doing right now, just contemplating about my fears, rather than our hopes. Its a circular process of thinking, i feel hope, i feel strength, i started to do, i fear a little, then a little more, i contemplate, i realize and then finally, i come back to the same point where it actually began.

I have done so many times that i’m ashamed of myself in wasting so much of my time in these disgusting thoughts. I guess its all about keep doing, fighting for what i really want, what sacrifices i can make, what more required of me to achieve all, at what cost; everything comes in thinking. Sometimes i curse the writer for saying such statement, demotivating people, but eventually i know its about making someone to think about. Now i promise what i could really do, and perform according to my potential in time.

“ज़िन्दगी में उम्मीद नहीं तो कुछ और भी तो कहाँ है,

चलने उसी पर है, चाहे वो अपनी हो या दूसरों की…”

(if there’s not hope, there’s nothing there in life,

will live on that, whether it’s ours or theirs…)

जो हादसा न हो सका

एक पल तक मैं कुछ आराम से बैठा बातें फ़रमा रहा था
फिर अचानक कुछ जल्दी हुई, मैं उठकर चल दिया
चलने लगा तो दो कदम के बाद ही टकरा गया
न बढ़ सका कुछ आगे, पावँ मेरा कुछ बंधा सा गया
मन न माना रुकने का, ज़िद्द में आगे बढ़ता गया
जाता कहाँ, कुछ पैर मारकर वहीँ उसी जगह लड़खड़ा गया
और औंधे मुंह घुटने पर आ अपनी हार कुछ मान ही गया
फिर किसी हाथ ने संभाला मुझको
न देखा मेरा दिल न मेरी शख्सियत, मेरी ज़रूरत से ही आँका मुझको
मैंने अपनी हार की शर्म में, न देखा और न ही जाना उसको
कुछ पल ज़िन्दगी के खो दिए थे, घटना और दुर्घटना के ख्यालों से
बच गया आखिर इस ख़याल ने फिर जगाया मुझको
एक डर घर कर गया था जिसने जीना सिखाया मुझको
अफ़सोस शुक्रिया अदा न किया उसका, जिसने गिरने से बचाया मुझको…

Livè Myself: Xk

Lonely night…

दिल बहुत उदास था
मैंने उनसे बात न की थी
हर रोज़ शाम-सवेरे कभी न कभी उनसे बात हो जाया करती थी
फिर आज क्या था जो मैं घबराया सा हुआ था
उसकी सुकून भरी आवाज़ आज कानों में कुछ और ही थी
ये एहसास तब हुआ जब रात को मैंने उनके दिल की बात सुनी
वो डर के साये में बैठी मेरा इंतज़ार कर रही थी
फिर बात हुई जैसे हर बार हुई थी
उसने दिल की जुबां से कुछ बोला और मैंने भी दिल से सुना
कुछ वो मुस्कुराई, फिर मैं मुस्कुराया
कुछ पल ऐसे भी थे जब मुस्कुराना भूल सा गया था
शायद उसकी मुस्कराहट हम दोनों की ख़ुशी बयाँ कर रही थी
वक़्त कुछ और गुज़रा, रात कुछ और गहरी हुई
अब उसको जाना था, शायद यही उसका बहाना था
वो हर बार की तरह बिन पीछे मुड़े बिन देखे चली गयी
और मैं हर बार की तरह अभी भी रात की गोद में सिर झुकाये इस बात पर विचार कर रहा हूँ कि इस रात का हमसफ़र बन जाऊँ क्योंकि ये रात मेरी तरह अकेली थी…


अंधियारे में बैठकर उजाले को देखना,

और उसकी खुद से दूरी का कारण जानना,

कि वो रोशनी मुझपर क्यों नहीं है

या मैं क्यों मजबूर हूँ उसे गले न लगाने में |

वह उजाला सुनसान है,

पर मुझे पता है, बहुत चेहरे छुपे है इस अंधियारे में |

कोई चेहरा नज़र आता है रौशनी में

और चला जाता है जैसे समय गुज़रता है दिन-ब-दिन |

जब कोई उस उजाले में रहकर उससे दिल लगाता है,

तब वह उसे छोड़ भी जाता है |

इस तरह उसकी फितरत का अंदाज़ा लगाना भी मुश्किल हो जाता है |

समय-समय पर ऐसे चेहरे भी है

जो उसकी रोशनी दूसरों तक पहुंचाते हैं |

एक समय तो एक ने मुझ तक हाथ भी बढ़ाया,

मुझे उस उजाले में बुलाने के लिए

पर शायद मैं ही डरा हुआ था उसे मन से अपनाने में,

क्योंकि मैंने देखा है उस हश्र को जो लोगों का हुआ है |

परन्तु क्या डर ही सब कुछ है,

या कुछ पल की ख़ुशी भी मायने रखती है |

फिर यह एहसास होता है कि कहीं

यह दिल अँधेरे में तो नहीं लग गया है,

कि डर है उजाले मे पहचाना जाऊं

जो मैं छुपाने की कोशिश में रहता हूँ |

यह भी नहीं है, शायद वही मेरी पहचान भी है

कि मैं वही हूँ, उनका सहारा जो डूब रहें हैं उस गहराई में,

जो हारकर संघर्ष करना छोड़ गए हैं,

मैं वो हूँ जो उनकी उदासी को दूर भगाकर

अपने मन में जगह देता हूँ

और सबका भला भी हो ही जाता है |


As it always should have been, this time it was not same as what it was before. In the last few years, changes have become a part of me slowly that is far too difficult for me to notice, restraining myself not to; is a totally different topic. When was the last time i was trully happy? This question roams inside my head always and i’m not certain about the answers i’m getting from myself. But one scene that comes again and again in my mind is from 5 years back. Many people says that they have sometimes imagined looking at themselves from the eyes of some other person. I thought it as an self-appraising talk, but i have done the same more than the times that i can ignore it as a random thing. The feeling of looking at myself, the truth behind every expression that people can’t get, the stunning silence when hearing every bit of nothing turning into loud voices inside my head. Then i get, why i appear strange to people around me especially who complaint the same. Do i really can’t control it? or may be i don’t care or i’m too busy with other things in my life or i’m too tired to try to change my ways around it. What really are the answers to my unending restlessness…
# The answer lies within me, i know that. But the journey to that might be a little too difficult…